Thoughts of 50 Shades

I do not own any part of the fifty shades trilogy. I am musing just for fun. Apologise to E.L. James for my Nerve.

Chapter 9
Ana pov.

I had suggested that Christian and I go sailing, firstly, we both need some fresh air. I had been cooped up at Escala far too long. Thanks to Jack Hyde.
And secondly we really needed to talk. I had things to say and I wanted to be able to have my say in private away from security staff. I had become fond of both Taylor and Sawyer, but they were a constant shadow. And also on board "The Grace", Christian couldn't storm away from me and sulk in his study like some petulant teen. He would have to hear me out.

I had realised over the passed few weeks I felt I was entering a stereotypical  abusive relationship.
My husband was a control freak, and I understood why, but it was getting so that I was becoming more and more under his control. Yes he was intimidating, unapproachable, petulant. He did make me nervous which is one reason why my appetite is so erratic. I had no problems before I met him. He wants to know where I am at all times, I cannot make an independent decision even on my own behalf.
I don't know how he thought I got by in my single life without him to tell me what to do all the time.
And this morning, he made love to me conveniently "forgot" a condom. Christian never forgets anything,ever. Admittedly I went along I didn't try and stop him but I really had felt as I was dreaming he had woken me from a deep sleep and he didn't give me a choice. I felt I was just there to satisfy his needs when ever, where ever, like a submissive. In short I felt used.
I want to know if he intended to get me pregnant. Did he think that getting me pregnant so soon after the miscarriage would take away the loss I felt?. And take some of the pressure off him.
Did he feel anything at all at the loss of our child? He was upset because I was upset. But is that the extent of his feelings.

Christian manoeuvred "The Grace " out of the marina with his usual skill and dexterity. She was a tight fit. I had, had a few lessons with both Christian and Mac and felt I could handle her pretty well, but, I didn't think I could get her out of the marina without bending her. and that wouldn't go down well with fifty.

I took over the wheel whilst Christian radioed the coastguard to check the weather and give our position. Christian wound up the main sail and we glided over the water. I always felt a little as though we were flying and was always exhilarated. The wind in my face and hair. Christian put out the spinnaker and I cut the engine. And there we were racing over the water. Christian came and stood behind me at the wheel. his hands lightly resting on mine.

We, dropped anchor in the early afternoon to relax and eat lunch.

"Do you really think, that I believed you this morning Christian?" I asked him quietly
"What about?" He looked at me with a frown
"You forgetting to use a condom"
"Oh" he said looking a little sheepish. "Well I read on line that it was advisable to get pregnant as soon as possible after miscarrying, to ward off post natal depression"
I looked at him aghast now I was really furious with him.
"So, you made the decision, you took control, you didn't think it necessary to talk to me, to see what I felt. I was just an empty womb for you to fill, because YOU thought it was for the best. It's getting so that I don't have any say in my life anymore, You are slowly taking control, in short Christian, you are making me your submissive!"
"That wasn't my intention, I was trying to help" he said petulantly.
"TRYING TO HELP!!" I am appalled "Do you have any feelings for me at all, or is it just about your issues, again,?" I stand up my hands on my hips. "If you spent less time doing research on your fucking computer and more time actually talking to me, we might come to some mutual agreement about what is best for MY body." I knew I was ranting now my voice carrying across the open water.
"Do you have any feelings at all over the loss of your child?  the flesh of your flesh!"
His face was ashen now.
"I-I'm sorry, I just thought this was the way to help you" he stammered.
"And what about you, Christian. Are you so indifferent? Don't you care at all?"
" I care about you being miserable"
"Because that means I am not giving you my full on attention; that I'm not available 24/7 for you to have sex with me. Is that how it is with you?"
Christian shuffled in his seat saying nothing.
"OK Christian, you obviously had no feelings for the baby. No paternal connection, fine." I stood facing him, eye to eye.
"Well let me tell you this, if I am pregnant, because you thought it the best way. I will abort. I will not have a child come into this world purely as a convenience. Better still, we will call at the hospital on the way home and get a morning after pill from Dr Green."

Christian sits speechless. I start packing up the remnants of our lunch in preparation for sailing back.
" Don't just sit there, Christian, get on your cell and call Dr Green and tell her we will met her in her clinic at, erm. let me see" I glance at my watch estimating the time we will get back on land, "say 5 o'clock this evening."

 Christian still doesn't move. He is not used to me ranting on at him, he doesn't know how to cope.
"Christian," I shout at him, " Make the call" I demand.
"Why are you doing this?" he asks quietly.
"You know why"
"No I don't, I thought you wanted a baby"
"I do, Christian, but not until we are both ready to accept the responsibility. I look on the loss of the baby as a blessing. Because you are not ready to be a father. And I am not going to be a submissive. So until you learn to stop abusing me, by treating me as a submissive, there will be no child. When we married I didn't include "obey" in our vows for just this reason, and you know it. As we stand now I am suffocating, I can't even go to the toilet at work without Sawyer having to report in that I've left my desk. I can't make an independent decision without consulting you first, "I'll run it by Christian" is getting to be my theme tune. We can't make a joint decision, because if I disagree with you, you rant and rave or go and sulk in your office for days on end. I am nervous and jumpy around you because I never know when I'm going to cross some arbitrary line that will send you into a rage and give you an excuse to punish me. I can't eat well or sleep because I feel trapped by your control freakishness. This morning was a prime example, You decided You took control, I had to accept, because you know best. Now have I made myself clear? Give me your cell I'll call Dr Green myself, I'm taking my life back"

I pick up Christians Blackberry and ring DR Green.

He sits there looking dumbfounded at my outburst.
"Ana I'm sorry, I didn't realise I was getting so oppressive with you. It's really due to your run in with Hyde. I'm so scared that I will lose you because I haven't kept you safe. You are probably right when you say I'm not ready to be a father. I'm not, I don't know how to be. But as my Dad says know one is and parenting is a trail and error process during which you learn. I don't know if I can cope with not being in total control. Quite frankly, Ana, it scares me to death."
He put his head in his hands and his shoulders began to shake.
Ana sat beside him and put her arms around him. She vaguely remembered the night/morning when she had miscarried little blip